Writer's Lab #2

Tell about home cures for hiccups, warts, toothaches, colds, earaches, etc.

Once I got a horrendous bowel obstruction. I was playing a game where I pretended that I was a hen and sat on golf balls hoping they would "hatch". Come to think of it, it was a pretty stupid game. There was no structure to it. There were no rules. No one kept score. In fact, there was no "we". Just me, alone, on a very boring Wednesday afternoon when I should have been at work.

I must have sat the wrong way on one of these golf balls, because I could definitely feel a foreign object where the sun don't shine. I waddled into the kitchen where April, fortunately for me, was brewing a home-made colonic. She was tenderly stirring a ghoul-green mixture on the stove. I told her emphatically, "I need 200 cc's of whatever that is, STAT!"

(Although I don't know what a "cc" is, nor do I know what "stat" means, it must be important, for I heard those words used in a similar sentence on "Doogie Howser".)

Before April could answer, I grabbed the pot by both hands and gulped down the brew. In spite of it being incredibly hot, and permanently burning off 2/3's of my taste buds, my grievous bowel obstruction instantly popped out and gave me tremendous relief.

Except for the taste in my mouth. I was able to taste the mystery concoction before it burned off my buds.

"What was in that?!?" I quizzed, slurredly and with a disgusted look permanently ingrained on my face.

"Well, let's see." April responded. "One cup of eye-of-newt, two cups of foot-of-newt. Some ginseng, some tonicseng. A pinch of nutmeg, a dash of culpepper. Horseradish, Worcestershire sauce, Devonshire sauce, and vanilla extract for flavor."

"Nasty!" I resounded. "But in a delicious sort of way."

Crazy Dream

April and I were at the movie theater. It was a small one, with only three or four screens. At this particular theater, the price to see a just-released movie was $13.00. (Not too far off the reality price here in the Northeast for a weekend-night.) Movies that had been out for at least a couple of weeks were only $5.25.

Well, I wanted to see "Stardust." Now, this movie has been out for about three weeks, so I expected to pay $5.25 each. So when the cashier told me that would be $26, I was mad. I refused to pay that much to see that (or any) movie, and suggested to April that instead we go rent one.

April wasn't too happy with that, but didn't protest. She waited out in front of the theater while I brought the car around. In my car (a crazy car for a crazy dream) I had to pay money to activate the passenger-side air bag. That's right, I had to insert bills just like a vending machine. The bill taker was inside the glove box. Since the movie theater was only a couple of blocks from our house, I didn't activate the airbag on our trip there. But since the rental store was much further away, I felt that it was prudent to activate the air bag this time. So, I opened the glove box and inserted fifteen dollars to activate the passenger air bag. That's right, fifteen bucks just so it would work if necessary.

As I was driving through the parking lot to pick up April, I realized that was a ridiculous sum. It would almost be just as much to stay and watch the movie. Then I thought, hey, this is my car! Where does that money go? Can't I retrieve my money somehow? It's like owning your own coin-operated gumball machine. You get your own money back.

(April got a kick out of this one. Even in my dreams I squabble about high prices.)

Writer's Lab #1

Q: Describe getting a Christmas tree with your family as a child. How did you decorate it, when did you put it up, take it down, etc.

A: Well, this one is hard to answer. In my family, we didn't celebrate Christmas very often. Only about once a year, or so. We didn't have any special, traditional means in selecting a tree. We'd usually just go to the temporary tree store in the K-Mart parking lot.

I did enjoy decorating the tree. I remember using those lights with the big bulbs. Do they sell those anymore? Those kind of lights are probably a major fire hazard. That's probably why we stopped using them after burning down the tree twice in three years.

Every year Mom would buy a new set of ornaments to add to the collection. I never quite understood the severed Santa Claus heads, but, hey, we all have different tastes.

One year, I think, we tried to use the fake snow out of a can on the tree. Now, if those bulgy lights aren't a fire hazard, then fake snow is DEFINITELY sort of a fire hazard. And it most assuredly was fake snow. It didn't even sound or smell like real snow.

I enjoyed sitting alone in the living room, with all the lights out except those from the tree. It always reminded me of the year before, sitting alone, with all the lights out except those from the tree.

The tree came down on New Year's Day. Just like the wall came down on New Year's Day. That must have been one happy day for East Germans. Like ten years of Christmases all wrapped into one. Wait, I was talking about New Year's. No, wait, I was talking about trees. Wait! I wasn't talking at all. This word processor is not voice activated.

Writer's Lab Intro

I am currently taking a writing course. The focus is on children's books and magazines. The goal at the end of the course it to submit a story or article to an editor to get published.

To be a good writer, you must write a lot. At this point, work, exam study, family, and fixing up the house demand much of my time. There is still time to write, I just have to do it. While we were in Utah this summer, April discovered at her parent's house a "thought jar". It's a ceramic jar that she made filled with little strips of paper containing a question to answer or thought to elaborate on. I thought this would be a great way for me to have some good, short, writing exercizes. So, we smuggled the jar home, and as of right now, I haven't started.

Thus, I will use my new blogging powers as a means to move forward with my writer's ambitions. And all can share in the goodness. (All three of you who read this.)