Writer's Lab #7

The following is an essay I wrote in high school that one me first place essay in the 1996 Kearns High Literary Magazine. The prize was $30 in cold hard check form. It is based on an English class journal entry. At the beginning of class, the teacher would write a question or thought, and we took a few minutes to write a response to it. So, in a similar format to what I have been doing so far, here is the question, and my response.

Q: What do you believe is this country's most pressing problem?

A: Why I Chose Linoleum

The United States of America is experiencing a mad obsession that has a dominating influence on the lives of the people. This crazed fixation, of course, is the demand for having clean carpets.
For years women have been stereotyped as staying home all day tidying up her family’s residence while the man is out laboring by the sweat of his brow, earning money to buy cleaning products for his dame. But in this day the men have also been lured into the demand to have unblemished floor matting.
The sweeping passion of having clean carpets is a needed one. This nation would not stand if people’s carpets remained soiled. The prominent issue of those who may choose not to cleanse their carpets is the cost involved. A Regina Steamer Carpet Cleaner with all the accessories – such as the Tight Corner Hose and the Stairbrush to Heaven – can cost upward of three hundred dollars. And, of course, carpet cleaning solution may cost six dollars per gallon, far more than most people want to spend on their carpets.
Nevertheless, carpets must be clean. Dirty carpets are America’s weakness and must be eliminated. The consequences of having tarnished carpets can be calamitous. Other world powers would recognize this nation’s sore point and invade. Germany would replace our culture with theirs. All Americans would have to return to kindergarten, every pair of legs would be seen with lederhosen, and bratwurst would be served at breakfast. Singapore would take over the government. Everyone would have to walk in a straight line and not be allowed to chew gum. Japan would take over TV programming. The only shows to be seen would be those where the actors’ lip movements don’t correspond with the words they speak. Clean carpets are a must if the United States is to retain its global authority.
Carpet cleaning is a happy time. A big grin should be on every soul’s face as he or she disinfects the floor. Yet many become discouraged while cleaning carpets, making it seem like a chore. They sing, “You load sixteen tons, whadda ya get? Another day older and deeper in debt.” Others become downright frustrated, cursing out explicit four letter words across their lips that Granny Clovis wouldn’t dare be kissed by. Frustration is turned to anger which is followed by quoting Shakespeare --“Out, Damned spot! Out, I say!” (Macbeth 5.1.38) and “I… despised the…dank and dirty ground” (A Midsummer Night’s Dream 2.268, 73, 75).
But one must not become infuriated with stubborn stains. One must stand tall, feel the hate of putrid germs, and yell out to the world, “These carpets are filthy as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!”
Carpet cleaning is a must. One must take great pride in doing this necessary task. Those who are obsessed with having immaculate carpets have to be looked upon as heroes. Clean carpets have to be looked upon as heroes. Clean carpets keep America united – in peace, in happiness, and in eternal glory.