Writer's Lab #2

Tell about home cures for hiccups, warts, toothaches, colds, earaches, etc.

Once I got a horrendous bowel obstruction. I was playing a game where I pretended that I was a hen and sat on golf balls hoping they would "hatch". Come to think of it, it was a pretty stupid game. There was no structure to it. There were no rules. No one kept score. In fact, there was no "we". Just me, alone, on a very boring Wednesday afternoon when I should have been at work.

I must have sat the wrong way on one of these golf balls, because I could definitely feel a foreign object where the sun don't shine. I waddled into the kitchen where April, fortunately for me, was brewing a home-made colonic. She was tenderly stirring a ghoul-green mixture on the stove. I told her emphatically, "I need 200 cc's of whatever that is, STAT!"

(Although I don't know what a "cc" is, nor do I know what "stat" means, it must be important, for I heard those words used in a similar sentence on "Doogie Howser".)

Before April could answer, I grabbed the pot by both hands and gulped down the brew. In spite of it being incredibly hot, and permanently burning off 2/3's of my taste buds, my grievous bowel obstruction instantly popped out and gave me tremendous relief.

Except for the taste in my mouth. I was able to taste the mystery concoction before it burned off my buds.

"What was in that?!?" I quizzed, slurredly and with a disgusted look permanently ingrained on my face.

"Well, let's see." April responded. "One cup of eye-of-newt, two cups of foot-of-newt. Some ginseng, some tonicseng. A pinch of nutmeg, a dash of culpepper. Horseradish, Worcestershire sauce, Devonshire sauce, and vanilla extract for flavor."

"Nasty!" I resounded. "But in a delicious sort of way."