Action-flick superstar Michael J. "Pudge" Amazon is in trouble. Again. His recent shenanigan took place right on the set of his new film "Pudge Amazon and the Goblet of the Kingdom of the Crystal Dragon Emperor". Pudge is accused of pilfering some very inexpensive and easy to find eco-friendly fluorescent light bulbs belonging to key grip Solomon P. Patterson.
This indiscretion doesn't come as a surprise. Amazon has always been a bit of a kleptomaniac. His Wikipedia entry even says so. Amazon has a long history of stealing small items. When he was seven, Pudge swiped a pack of gum from a convenience store. When he was 10, he stole a glance from a cute little girl in his fifth-grade class. At 13, playing little league baseball, he stole (Duh, professor! I get it. He stole second base. Come on! I've heard that one already.) No, you moron, he stole third base and it didn't make a difference anyway, as his team lost 12-2.
At 16, Amazon began his light bulb stealing habit. By this time, Amazon was well into his acting career, starring in a number of low-budget "talkie" advertisements. Of course, his acting gigs required him to be on the road a lot, staying at many a Super 8 around the country. And Amazon couldn't ever seem to leave a Super 8 without sneaking out a light bulb or two from a lamp or an E-Z Bake Oven.
And so it was with Mr. Patterson's poor bulbs. As I mentioned before, Solomon is the key grip on the set. For those that may not know, a grip is a job title more commonly known as "What the heck is a grip?" You may be asking, "Who cares? Why is Patterson boo-hooing over a few dollars worth of light bulbs?" Patterson tells it this way:
"It's not the value of the light bulbs that's the problem. In fact, I got them all back. Suspicions were aroused when a caterer spotted Amazon walking off the set holding a back labeled 'Stolen Light Bulbs'. The problem I'm having is, well, what's next? Today it's my light bulbs, tomorrow it could be my sandwich, my car keys, my lawn. He's put me on edge to be very wary of what he's doing at all time. And I have a job to do. Which brings up another good point. Not many people know what key grips do. My main responsibility is to..."
Whoa! That's all the time we have for this week. ("But Professor, this is a blog. It's not like you're taking up air-waves time. You can write for as long as you want.") Next week, I will give my belated review of Amazon's last movie, "Pudge Amazon and the Self-Fulfilling Long Named Movie Title".
1 comment:
This was like those times that you're half-asleep watching cable at two in the morning only to find in your channel surfing the middle of some Ron Popeil infomercial. It slices! It dices! It sells life insurance! Never mind what it's called. Just give your credit card number!
I liked it. Thank you.
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