It's fun to obey the machine! -- Ralph Wiggum
If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now, be quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. -- Homer
Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. -- C. Montgomery Burns
Once something is approved by the government it's no longer immoral. -- Rev. Lovejoy
What the hell is this, some kind of tube? -- Senator Bob Dole
The Lord has given us ten commandments by which to live. I shall now read them in no particular order. -- Moses
What's my cut? Nothin'?!? I make more than that taking a schmitz! -- Krusty the Clown
It wasn't easy juggling a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. -- Homer
May we all burn in foul smelling fire for ever and ever. Amen! -- Rev. Lovejoy
12.27.2008
Saddled With A Lotto Problems
Every week I go down to the local Cash & Carry to purchase one lottery ticket. The game I usually play is called "Cashole," which has an expletive sounding name, but the game is so called simply to convey the idea that if one were to win the jackpot he would win so much money that he'd have to dig a very big hole in his backyard for some reason.
My numbers are always 6-16-27-34-52 and 20 for the "Domination Ball". (I guess the state lottery association thought that "Powerball" was trite, but "Domination Ball" just doesn't have the same ring to it.) I chose these particular numbers because they have personal meanings of luck.
-6: There were Twelve Apostles. We all know that in any given situation a person has a 50/50 shot of being successful, whether it's flipping a coin for tails, shooting foul shots, or opening the mail. Therefore, there were six lucky apostles and six unlucky ones. I'm going with the six lucky ones.
-16: When I was sixteen years old, during a freak winter storm, the roof of some house a few miles away caved in from the weight of the snow. That was where Lyman Thornocker lived. I knew who he was as we had electronics class together, but I don't think he knew me. However, if I had been a friendly boy growing up, and if I had ever talked to him, and if Lyman had provided the standard North American salutatory retort, we may have become buddies, and I could have been at his house that night, and I could have been injured or at least slightly traumatized, so I feel very lucky that I never spoke to Lyman Thornocker when I was sixteen.
-27: There are twenty-seven days in June and we all know that June is the lucky month.
-34: I was once clipping down a residential street at 48 miles per hour, and got nabbed by a cop. Fortunately, just before the officer clocked my speed, I had slowed down to swerve away from what I thought was a pile of nails in the street. The officer clocked me at only 34. Since that is less than ten over the limit, I got hit with a less severe penalty. I was very fortunate there was a big pile of nails (or a mirage of one) in the middle of the street that night.
-52: 1952 was the year that Great-Grandpa Tarsus won the lottery. (Or maybe it was the year he choked on a turkey bone.) I'm chancing that he won the lottery that year - a lucky year.
Now, for the "Domination Ball", I chose 20 because the prize money is paid out in twenty installments.
The jackpot is up to $3.2 million. Wow! Think on what I could do with all that! Actually, don't think on it, as it will only frustrate you that I won and you didn't. I think with the first installment, I would pay my taxes, donate some old clothes to the Goodwill, rent a backhoe, and dig a big hole in my backyard.
My numbers are always 6-16-27-34-52 and 20 for the "Domination Ball". (I guess the state lottery association thought that "Powerball" was trite, but "Domination Ball" just doesn't have the same ring to it.) I chose these particular numbers because they have personal meanings of luck.
-6: There were Twelve Apostles. We all know that in any given situation a person has a 50/50 shot of being successful, whether it's flipping a coin for tails, shooting foul shots, or opening the mail. Therefore, there were six lucky apostles and six unlucky ones. I'm going with the six lucky ones.
-16: When I was sixteen years old, during a freak winter storm, the roof of some house a few miles away caved in from the weight of the snow. That was where Lyman Thornocker lived. I knew who he was as we had electronics class together, but I don't think he knew me. However, if I had been a friendly boy growing up, and if I had ever talked to him, and if Lyman had provided the standard North American salutatory retort, we may have become buddies, and I could have been at his house that night, and I could have been injured or at least slightly traumatized, so I feel very lucky that I never spoke to Lyman Thornocker when I was sixteen.
-27: There are twenty-seven days in June and we all know that June is the lucky month.
-34: I was once clipping down a residential street at 48 miles per hour, and got nabbed by a cop. Fortunately, just before the officer clocked my speed, I had slowed down to swerve away from what I thought was a pile of nails in the street. The officer clocked me at only 34. Since that is less than ten over the limit, I got hit with a less severe penalty. I was very fortunate there was a big pile of nails (or a mirage of one) in the middle of the street that night.
-52: 1952 was the year that Great-Grandpa Tarsus won the lottery. (Or maybe it was the year he choked on a turkey bone.) I'm chancing that he won the lottery that year - a lucky year.
Now, for the "Domination Ball", I chose 20 because the prize money is paid out in twenty installments.
The jackpot is up to $3.2 million. Wow! Think on what I could do with all that! Actually, don't think on it, as it will only frustrate you that I won and you didn't. I think with the first installment, I would pay my taxes, donate some old clothes to the Goodwill, rent a backhoe, and dig a big hole in my backyard.
12.15.2008
Fanta of the Opera
I remember my first words in the theater: "Peanuts! Popcorn!"
Okay, okay, that is a tired, old joke. But it is spookily close to what my actual first words in the theater were: "We have Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-free Diet Vanilla Coke, Sprite, and Fanta." That was in response to the question posed, "What do you have to drink?"
To this lady's follow up question, "What kind of Fanta?" I replied, rather sternly, "Look, lady, we got Orange, Orange, and this one looks like Orange, too. Now hurry up and buy something!" Those almost were my last words at the theater. This woman did not take too kindly to my tone of voice and expressed her disgust to the concessions manager. The manager frankly apologized for my unsatisfactory customer service, and offered her a free, possibly Orange Fanta.
"May I have a word with you, P.J.?" the manager called me over.
"Yes, Aunt Madeline?" I responded. You see, the concessions manager is my favorite aunt, Madeline. I have been referred to as her third-favorite nephew. Although, now that I think about it I shouldn't be too flattered as she only has four nephews, and I'm going to guess that the one she likes least is Avery, who stole her car and "accidentally" shot her cat with a BB gun.
Aunt Madeline helped get me this job. She's got close connections with the theater's general manager. That would be my Uncle Bernard. Bernard didn't think I was up for the job as a concessioner, as I was only 14 at the time, and wasn't exactly what you'd call a "people person." A weakness that has persisted with me to this day is that I am quite curt with others. I'm very impatient. I scream at red lights if I have to wait stopped for more than a few seconds. I tap my foot loudly at the bank as I wait in long lines. And I can't tolerate annoying questions that have obvious answers, such as "What do you have to drink?" and "What kind of Fanta?" as this information is clearly presented in big letters on a large poster board near the concessions table. The idea is for customers to make up their minds before they reach the table, so as to maximize efficiency of sales.
Bernard was correct in presupposing that I would have a hard time with customers that were oblivious to the menu and that took a long time to decide what to purchase. However, Madeline persuaded him enough to offer me the job. I almost blew it in the first thirty seconds.
"P.J., dear, it is my impression that our customers prefer to be greeted with a warm smile, and we do well to thank them for their purchase."
"Um, okay," I said as I walked back to the table. At that moment I wasn't sure what she was trying to get at, but I did successfully hold back a scathing comment as the next thirsty patron approached with the question, "So, whaddya got to drink?"
Okay, okay, that is a tired, old joke. But it is spookily close to what my actual first words in the theater were: "We have Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-free Diet Vanilla Coke, Sprite, and Fanta." That was in response to the question posed, "What do you have to drink?"
To this lady's follow up question, "What kind of Fanta?" I replied, rather sternly, "Look, lady, we got Orange, Orange, and this one looks like Orange, too. Now hurry up and buy something!" Those almost were my last words at the theater. This woman did not take too kindly to my tone of voice and expressed her disgust to the concessions manager. The manager frankly apologized for my unsatisfactory customer service, and offered her a free, possibly Orange Fanta.
"May I have a word with you, P.J.?" the manager called me over.
"Yes, Aunt Madeline?" I responded. You see, the concessions manager is my favorite aunt, Madeline. I have been referred to as her third-favorite nephew. Although, now that I think about it I shouldn't be too flattered as she only has four nephews, and I'm going to guess that the one she likes least is Avery, who stole her car and "accidentally" shot her cat with a BB gun.
Aunt Madeline helped get me this job. She's got close connections with the theater's general manager. That would be my Uncle Bernard. Bernard didn't think I was up for the job as a concessioner, as I was only 14 at the time, and wasn't exactly what you'd call a "people person." A weakness that has persisted with me to this day is that I am quite curt with others. I'm very impatient. I scream at red lights if I have to wait stopped for more than a few seconds. I tap my foot loudly at the bank as I wait in long lines. And I can't tolerate annoying questions that have obvious answers, such as "What do you have to drink?" and "What kind of Fanta?" as this information is clearly presented in big letters on a large poster board near the concessions table. The idea is for customers to make up their minds before they reach the table, so as to maximize efficiency of sales.
Bernard was correct in presupposing that I would have a hard time with customers that were oblivious to the menu and that took a long time to decide what to purchase. However, Madeline persuaded him enough to offer me the job. I almost blew it in the first thirty seconds.
"P.J., dear, it is my impression that our customers prefer to be greeted with a warm smile, and we do well to thank them for their purchase."
"Um, okay," I said as I walked back to the table. At that moment I wasn't sure what she was trying to get at, but I did successfully hold back a scathing comment as the next thirsty patron approached with the question, "So, whaddya got to drink?"
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