Fanta of the Opera

I remember my first words in the theater: "Peanuts! Popcorn!"

Okay, okay, that is a tired, old joke. But it is spookily close to what my actual first words in the theater were: "We have Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-free Diet Vanilla Coke, Sprite, and Fanta." That was in response to the question posed, "What do you have to drink?"

To this lady's follow up question, "What kind of Fanta?" I replied, rather sternly, "Look, lady, we got Orange, Orange, and this one looks like Orange, too. Now hurry up and buy something!" Those almost were my last words at the theater. This woman did not take too kindly to my tone of voice and expressed her disgust to the concessions manager. The manager frankly apologized for my unsatisfactory customer service, and offered her a free, possibly Orange Fanta.

"May I have a word with you, P.J.?" the manager called me over.

"Yes, Aunt Madeline?" I responded. You see, the concessions manager is my favorite aunt, Madeline. I have been referred to as her third-favorite nephew. Although, now that I think about it I shouldn't be too flattered as she only has four nephews, and I'm going to guess that the one she likes least is Avery, who stole her car and "accidentally" shot her cat with a BB gun.

Aunt Madeline helped get me this job. She's got close connections with the theater's general manager. That would be my Uncle Bernard. Bernard didn't think I was up for the job as a concessioner, as I was only 14 at the time, and wasn't exactly what you'd call a "people person." A weakness that has persisted with me to this day is that I am quite curt with others. I'm very impatient. I scream at red lights if I have to wait stopped for more than a few seconds. I tap my foot loudly at the bank as I wait in long lines. And I can't tolerate annoying questions that have obvious answers, such as "What do you have to drink?" and "What kind of Fanta?" as this information is clearly presented in big letters on a large poster board near the concessions table. The idea is for customers to make up their minds before they reach the table, so as to maximize efficiency of sales.

Bernard was correct in presupposing that I would have a hard time with customers that were oblivious to the menu and that took a long time to decide what to purchase. However, Madeline persuaded him enough to offer me the job. I almost blew it in the first thirty seconds.

"P.J., dear, it is my impression that our customers prefer to be greeted with a warm smile, and we do well to thank them for their purchase."

"Um, okay," I said as I walked back to the table. At that moment I wasn't sure what she was trying to get at, but I did successfully hold back a scathing comment as the next thirsty patron approached with the question, "So, whaddya got to drink?"